He told me that when he bought his house, he hired a landscaper to tear everything out and replace it with gravel. We said goodbye after the film and he vaguely mentioned doing something the next day. I hate Spongebob Squarepants. I moved his hand away. We leave, he then asks me back to his place. I spilled my coffee and said, Oops, guess that means I should go. Turns out my potential online date murdered his father when he was a teenager, and as a cover up, had concocting a complicated plot involving foreign assassins. Dude ushers me, still stunned, into the tiny little corner onto one of the tiny little stools. Opening act was a comic who did her entire routine about how shitty online dating is, and how all the dudes are big, fat losers who are gross. Anyone can be taught.
A few days later I receive an email from his listserv and notice that one of his new stories shares a title with a fairly unique phrase I had worn on a button. He was 17 and friends with my very protective older cousins. Anyone can be taught. He takes the other stool, and then puuuulllllls my stool closer, right between his knees. I declined, on account of it being the first date. Go ahead and tell me what I am. After two weeks of this, this guy is basically my boyfriend in my mind. The first is when I waited an hour outside at Harvard Square in late January because my date was in the North End buying pot not for me. This was long — sorry about that, but it feels good to get it off my chest — but the upshot is: We went out to eat at a steakhouse she insisted I drive her Camaro , where she berated the waiter so badly and for such a trivial reason that I found the manager while she was in the bathroom and apologized. This fraction of a second set the tone for the rest of the evening which was to be predictably brief , and we soldiered our way through a single drink together which as I may have mentioned was actually my second, thank god. I sent back an email with a single line: But I thought a little rivalry could be fun — I have a lot of Yankee fan friends who have married Redsox fans and they both have a sense of humor about it! But the manatee was actually dead, and the body ended up falling apart and she was covered in dead manatee slime and someone had to fish her out and clean her up. Turned out that he was involved, in varying degrees of seriousness, with a whole bunch of other women many of whom he met online! For the first time in my entire life, I was completely speechless. I go to his house to watch movies. During that time I missed 17 text messages, 5 phone calls and 3 emails. During the post-coital lounge, he told me that he had asked me out again only because he was curious about how I would react, because I seemed so strange. We hear about the success stories, especially in advertisements, but we could all benefit from some tales of caution. He asked me what I do creatively and I told him succinctly that I obsessively document everything. I decline and hop in a cab and head to a dive bar to meet up with my friends and tell them about the date. And we actually had a lot more in common then sex. What if they secretly have a face tattoo? He seemed rather needy, but not awful.
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